When my grandmother was 21

Her husband tried to kill her

My grandfather choked his wife

Until she blacked out

While my mother watched

Unable to move from fear

She loved my grandfather

And so did I

But I didn’t hear this story

Until he was dead

And my grandmother

Was thousands of miles away

Where no one

Not even the people who love her

Can reach her

When I was 18

My boyfriend choked me until I blacked out

I remember trying to slap his face But I just couldn’t reach

I cried and gasped for air

Until everything was a haze

The next thing I remember Is waking up and loving him

Loving him the way I loved my grandfather

I don’t know what it is about us That makes people think

That we deserve to be broken

That we want it

But it seems like the two of us have fissures

In all of the same places

And these cracks can’t be filled in With promises and blood vessels

Both broken

As a child I wondered

Why she moved so far away from me

But now I know How hard it is

To wake up at night

And see everyone who has ever touched you

Every time You start to settle into sleep again

So I too wonder

If someday I will move

Deep into the woods

Where no one can find me

And tear up my dreams

#RachelRoupp #grandmother