The One Where I Change the End

____ forces milk in my mouth, I purse and make a tight, pink O

____ manages, it opens and the white solid gags me, I’m no calf

(black out memory here)

____ takes me to his room, the basement air stiff, cold but unlike outside

there’s no open spaces to escape the closed door, the look of his face

(black out memory here)

then the bathroom floor in the dark, I turn the light off, to hide?

I cry into the knees of my dark tights, my skirt crumbles around my weight

(here’s where I change the end, no black out)

____ says he’s sorry about the milk and that nothing happened to my body

I remember the blankness and it’s light, it’s warmth against my face

my best friend drives me home and we laugh because boys, boys around

our ankles, begging for another chance, silly boys

Sarah Lilius is the author of the chapbooks What Becomes Within (ELJ Editions, 2014) and The Heart Factory (Black Cat Moon Press, 2016). She also has a chapbook forthcoming from Dancing Girl Press early next year. Some of her journal publication credits include the Denver Quarterly, Court Green, The Fem, Bluestem, Tinderbox, Hermeneutic Chaos, Stirring, Luna Luna Magazine, Entropy, and Flapperhouse. She lives in Arlington, VA with her husband and two sons. Her website is