this is the story of a happy/broken family

my daughter asks me for a cake/brother

but we don’t have enough eggs

the shells crack but nothing comes out

my husband lies with/to me at night

his voice heavy on the edge of everything

we fall together but land separate

i sit/cry in the room upstairs

and think about repainting it again

the blue doesn’t fit this house anymore

but are you sure

i am a grayscale painting

   with purple accents

yes but are you sure

   they whisper

maybe if you—

no

don’t think that i have not

(don’t think that i have to)

because i did

     before i knew better

i kissed a boy on prom night

    or, rather

he kissed me

and i felt nothing

   but the press of lips

   like dying fish

  flopping, gasping

  indignant and unwanted

but i said nothing and kissed back

it seemed the right thing to do

in college, i kissed a girl

sweet and brown and drunk

her lips like vodka hot chocolate

    and almost thought it was okay

she was jokes and laughter and movie dates

she was my friend

    she still is

but i felt nothing

i kept trying, though

   to find solutions

   to problems i didn’t have

i kissed a man at a club

let him touch me

in places i didn’t touch myself

   and

   it

   was

   no

  different

but i let him

suffered his fingers and his tongue

    and wondered what i should be feeling

and then later

much later

    yet no time at all

i tried to kiss a woman

    all curves and boots

    and fierce tattoos

but she wanted more

and i let her take me apart

and not put me back together

because i

    didn’t think no was normal

because i

   just wanted to be normal

and hadn’t realized yet

   i already was

Evelyn Benvie is a queer writer who's just trying to get by, pay the bills, and find time to work on that novel. (You know the one.) She lives in Connecticut, in her childhood home nestled between the woods and the sea, where she finds inspiration for writing mostly on the internet. Her work has been previously published by Fjord's Review, Cuento Magazine, Nanoism, 101 Word Stories, the Same, and in Impact, a Queer Sci Fi anthology. Connect with her online at evelynbenvie.com, or find her on Twitter: @EvelynBenvie.