this is the story of a happy/broken family
my daughter asks me for a cake/brother
but we don’t have enough eggs
the shells crack but nothing comes out
my husband lies with/to me at night
his voice heavy on the edge of everything
we fall together but land separate
i sit/cry in the room upstairs
and think about repainting it again
the blue doesn’t fit this house anymore
but are you sure
i am a grayscale painting
with purple accents
yes but are you sure
they whisper
maybe if you—
no
don’t think that i have not
(don’t think that i have to)
because i did
before i knew better
i kissed a boy on prom night
or, rather
he kissed me
and i felt nothing
but the press of lips
like dying fish
flopping, gasping
indignant and unwanted
but i said nothing and kissed back
it seemed the right thing to do
in college, i kissed a girl
sweet and brown and drunk
her lips like vodka hot chocolate
and almost thought it was okay
she was jokes and laughter and movie dates
she was my friend
she still is
but i felt nothing
i kept trying, though
to find solutions
to problems i didn’t have
i kissed a man at a club
let him touch me
in places i didn’t touch myself
and
it
was
no
different
but i let him
suffered his fingers and his tongue
and wondered what i should be feeling
and then later
much later
yet no time at all
i tried to kiss a woman
all curves and boots
and fierce tattoos
but she wanted more
and i let her take me apart
and not put me back together
because i
didn’t think no was normal
because i
just wanted to be normal
and hadn’t realized yet
i already was
Evelyn Benvie is a queer writer who's just trying to get by, pay the bills, and find time to work on that novel. (You know the one.) She lives in Connecticut, in her childhood home nestled between the woods and the sea, where she finds inspiration for writing mostly on the internet. Her work has been previously published by Fjord's Review, Cuento Magazine, Nanoism, 101 Word Stories, the Same, and in Impact, a Queer Sci Fi anthology. Connect with her online at evelynbenvie.com, or find her on Twitter: @EvelynBenvie.